I have been on a spiritual journey most of my life. As far back as I can remember there has been a longing in my heart for something more. Although I can trace a religious path created by my family and other social influences - the origin of my personal search has remained a bit of a mystery. I always knew there was something incomplete inside me but I didn’t know what it was. I have discovered that my restless yearning that I felt for so many years was actually the Holy Spirit drawing me to what I desperately needed and what I had searched for my whole life - an authentic, experiential relationship with God.
You would think after discovering that the God of the universe was calling me to an intimate relationship with Himself that my life would have been characterized from that point on by ever-increasing dedication and holiness. I really do wish that were true – but it’s not. I would like to have that testimony - but I don’t.
Although I have grown in my knowledge of God and the Bible - my life, for the most part – has been a paradox. Devotion and inconsistency have been my two closest traveling companions. They’re rivalry has made my journey about as smooth as having two drivers at the wheel at the same time - each one with his own agenda and destination. Don’t get me wrong, I have a genuine relationship with God and a desire to live for Him, but I also struggled with my own human frailty and my tendency to be drawn into darkness. I can honestly say that I have experienced both the deep sense of joy that comes from dwelling in God’s presence, as well as, the profound sense of frustration with my own weaknesses and the shame that comes from living in a pit of my own desires.
Through the years God has taught me many things, although I’m not one of His brightest students and have had to retake many exams. I have learned a few things about myself and am discovering what it means to live an authentic Christian life while wrestling with my own inconsistencies. Maybe it would be better said that I am still learning, for to claim that I have learned is to infer that I have already mastered these things and have them secured neatly under my belt. This would be pretentious, for as a follower of Jesus, I am in a daily process of discovery and application - listening for God’s voice and learning to obey.
One of the most profound things I’m learning is that, on my own, I do not have the ability or the strength to live a life worthy of being called Christian. In the language of recovery it’s the principle of being powerless to control my tendency to do wrong.
Through the years I have been a retail salesman, a landscaper, a grocery clerk, a church janitor, a manager, a youth minister, a graphic designer and a worship pastor, and it has made very little difference what title I had or what I was doing for a living – I am always faced with… me. Wherever I go - there I am!
My personal track record bears witness that, in my own strength, I have been powerless to control my tendency to wander. Although I have made progress spiritually and am learning to walk close with God, it would be less than honest to say that I have only experienced victories along the way.
Now, as the worship pastor of a large, growing church, you would think that for all the Bible studies, Christian workshops, conference and classes I have attended (and taught), that I no longer have to contend with my sinful nature, after all - I am a Pastor.
The truth is, I am still very capable of being self-centered, self-motivated and self-serving - all under the guise of ministry. Even as a Pastor, I am not immune to the big three as described in 1 John 2:16 - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes or the pride of life. The Message paints this passage with an even broader brush - wanting my own way, wanting everything for myself and wanting to appear important. Wherever I go, there I am.
What you have read so far is an excerpt of a book I started about three years ago entitled Staying Close to the Fire. (Someday I hope to actually finish it.) Isn’t it ironic that I find myself three years later and my morning devotionals this past week have been centered on 1 John 2:15-17.
“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of the eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and all of its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.”
Sometimes I am amazed at how fast I can switch, mid-conversation, from a desire to help someone to a desire to draw attention to myself through subtle bragging or boasting about who I am, where I’ve been or what I’ve done... me, me, me. I so easily slip into “look at me – look at me,” “hey, I’m someone special.” Sometimes I feel just like a little boy jumping up and down, waving my arms in the air trying to get validation that I am someone special. “See me,” “validate me,” “be impressed by me.”
I believe I am beginning to understand that, for me, the “big three” all stem from a sense of lack or emptiness. I am discovering that at the center of my frustrating motivations and careless behaviors has been an empty heart. Whenever my relationship with God starts to drift or is not fresh and alive – my motives start to wander. My behavior then simply becomes a reckless attempt to meet my own needs - separate from God. Being self-centered, self-motivated and self-serving is a powerful indicator that I am running on empty. I am reminded again today – “be filled with the spirit.”
“For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.” Romans 8:13
Check your own heart today…
1. The lust of the flesh - sensual carnal desires.
2. The lust of the eyes – being greedy or envious of what others have or even desiring to be someone else.
3. The pride of life - boasting and bragging, wanting to appear important, wanting others to validate you or wanting others to believe you are someone special.
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