I have been on a spiritual journey most of my life. As far back as I can remember there has been a longing in my heart for something more. Although I can trace a religious path created by my family and other social influences - the origin of my personal search has remained a bit of a mystery. I always knew there was something incomplete inside me but I didn’t know what it was. I have discovered that my restless yearning that I felt for so many years was actually the Holy Spirit drawing me to what I desperately needed and what I had searched for my whole life - an authentic, experiential relationship with God.
You would think after discovering that the God of the universe was calling me to an intimate relationship with Himself that my life would have been characterized from that point on by ever-increasing dedication and holiness. I really do wish that were true – but it’s not. I would like to have that testimony - but I don’t.
Although I have grown in my knowledge of God and the Bible - my life, for the most part – has been a paradox. Devotion and inconsistency have been my two closest traveling companions. They’re rivalry has made my journey about as smooth as having two drivers at the wheel at the same time - each one with his own agenda and destination. Don’t get me wrong, I have a genuine relationship with God and a desire to live for Him, but I also struggled with my own human frailty and my tendency to be drawn into darkness. I can honestly say that I have experienced both the deep sense of joy that comes from dwelling in God’s presence, as well as, the profound sense of frustration with my own weaknesses and the shame that comes from living in a pit of my own desires.
Through the years God has taught me many things, although I’m not one of His brightest students and have had to retake many exams. I have learned a few things about myself and am discovering what it means to live an authentic Christian life while wrestling with my own inconsistencies. Maybe it would be better said that I am still learning, for to claim that I have learned is to infer that I have already mastered these things and have them secured neatly under my belt. This would be pretentious, for as a follower of Jesus, I am in a daily process of discovery and application - listening for God’s voice and learning to obey.
One of the most profound things I’m learning is that, on my own, I do not have the ability or the strength to live a life worthy of being called Christian. In the language of recovery it’s the principle of being powerless to control my tendency to do wrong.
Through the years I have been a retail salesman, a landscaper, a grocery clerk, a church janitor, a manager, a youth minister, a graphic designer and a worship pastor, and it has made very little difference what title I had or what I was doing for a living – I am always faced with… me. Wherever I go - there I am!
My personal track record bears witness that, in my own strength, I have been powerless to control my tendency to wander. Although I have made progress spiritually and am learning to walk close with God, it would be less than honest to say that I have only experienced victories along the way.
Now, as the worship pastor of a large, growing church, you would think that for all the Bible studies, Christian workshops, conference and classes I have attended (and taught), that I no longer have to contend with my sinful nature, after all - I am a Pastor.
The truth is, I am still very capable of being self-centered, self-motivated and self-serving - all under the guise of ministry. Even as a Pastor, I am not immune to the big three as described in 1 John 2:16 - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes or the pride of life. The Message paints this passage with an even broader brush - wanting my own way, wanting everything for myself and wanting to appear important. Wherever I go, there I am.
What you have read so far is an excerpt of a book I started about three years ago entitled Staying Close to the Fire. (Someday I hope to actually finish it.) Isn’t it ironic that I find myself three years later and my morning devotionals this past week have been centered on 1 John 2:15-17.
“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of the eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and all of its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.”
Sometimes I am amazed at how fast I can switch, mid-conversation, from a desire to help someone to a desire to draw attention to myself through subtle bragging or boasting about who I am, where I’ve been or what I’ve done... me, me, me. I so easily slip into “look at me – look at me,” “hey, I’m someone special.” Sometimes I feel just like a little boy jumping up and down, waving my arms in the air trying to get validation that I am someone special. “See me,” “validate me,” “be impressed by me.”
I believe I am beginning to understand that, for me, the “big three” all stem from a sense of lack or emptiness. I am discovering that at the center of my frustrating motivations and careless behaviors has been an empty heart. Whenever my relationship with God starts to drift or is not fresh and alive – my motives start to wander. My behavior then simply becomes a reckless attempt to meet my own needs - separate from God. Being self-centered, self-motivated and self-serving is a powerful indicator that I am running on empty. I am reminded again today – “be filled with the spirit.”
“For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.” Romans 8:13
Check your own heart today…
1. The lust of the flesh - sensual carnal desires.
2. The lust of the eyes – being greedy or envious of what others have or even desiring to be someone else.
3. The pride of life - boasting and bragging, wanting to appear important, wanting others to validate you or wanting others to believe you are someone special.
Dennis, this is so cool! I like how this blog site looks. I know this will become a very valuable tool to your ministry. Wow, Thank you Dennis for sharing your thoughts and your heart! What you said above came close to what I have been thinking about these past few days. I really thought that at the conference I would learn a lot of head knowledge. However, God had other plans for me and took that time to also grow my spirit. I am not always thankful in the moment of learning, however later as I reflect back and I see the necessity and the lesson of it all, I feel ever closer to God and I am thankful. I love that God is so gentle in His teaching. I am thankful my journey is never ending. Thank you for all you do, Jodie
Posted by: Jodie | July 03, 2006 at 07:44 PM
It is very nice to see your blog up and running. Kudos to you and Dave P. for doing this as I believe it will strengthen what God is already doing in the "coolchurch worship" ministry.
It's nice to see what you are reading and what you are listening to on the left of this blog. I am currently reading "No Perfect People Allowed" and it has really changed my thinking. It is always encouraging to know what God is using in other believers lives to conform us into his likeness.
I'm looking forward to the link on the worship songs that we will be playing on Sundays.
-- tj
Posted by: TJ | July 04, 2006 at 03:12 PM
Dennis, thank you for sharing your heart with us, giving us a glimpse of the masterpiece God is still working on in you. I believe that that in itself is such a BIG step towards a stronger walk with God and a meaningful relationship with all of us, your team. We appreciate you so much! Thank you for all your hard work, day after day, week after week. You are loved!
Posted by: Sue Rutledge | July 05, 2006 at 07:23 PM
This is awesome to see transparency about your walk.
Posted by: David Long | July 05, 2006 at 10:03 PM
Dennis, It's always exciting to be present for a birth, whether it be one of our own children, a new Christian, or in this case, the new blog site. Thanks for your work in getting this off the ground. I pray that it will be a tool blessed of God in the Creative Arts ministry here at Abundant Life.
John
Posted by: John Newberry | July 06, 2006 at 08:07 AM
Hey Dennis~
This is awesome and I really appreciate all you do for the worship ministry at ALCC! I will continue to pray for you as the leader of this growing ministry! I am blessed to be a part of it! Thank you!
Posted by: Lisa Sargent | July 16, 2006 at 03:50 PM
Hi Dennis, I am humbled by your ability to lay it all out and let your weaknesses be known. It makes your faith shine just that much brighter! Thank you so much for all you that you do!
Kacey
Posted by: Kacey Poage | September 05, 2006 at 03:33 PM
Thanks Dennis. I very much appreciate your honesty and openness. I can relate to everything you speak of... Inconsistency in particular is something I constantly struggle with much to my (and my parents' over the years) frustration :)
I'm glad we got to meet.
Tim
Posted by: Tim | September 16, 2006 at 11:18 PM
Hello Dennis,
Your testimonial brought tears to my eyes because I felt as though I was reading my own. I want to thank you so much for your honesty and sincerety. God Bless you and all that you do.
Chantel
Posted by: Chantel Kightlinger | December 28, 2006 at 01:51 PM