I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the biblical concept of “telling the truth in love.” Just tell the truth - it seems like such a no-brainer. Always be honest. Always tell the truth. It sounds so simple it could easily be a topic for a Sunday school class for children. As one of those kids who were raised in the church - I have to be honest about the topic of honesty.
Some of you may remember the chorus from the 1978 song Honesty, by Billy Joel. “Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard, but mostly what I need from you.”
On one side, it’s rare to find people who consistently practice the principle of “telling the truth in love.” I agree with Billy Joel - it’s hardly ever heard. I can think of so many conflicts that could have been avoided if people would have actually “spoken the truth in love.” My hunch is that most of us want to avoid conflict. So, instead of being honest – we lie. By not being completely honest we dodge the potential relational conflicts that comes with honesty.
But this is where it starts to get murky. I wrestle with my own inconsistency with the concept of honesty. Is honesty always the best policy? Should there be times where kindness dictates a response that is actually more loving than honesty? We have all known someone that felt it was there God-given right to speak whatever opinion was on his or her mind - all under the noble motive that, “I’m just being honest.”
The Bible has a lot to say about lying. Satan is called “the father of lies.” Two of the six things listed in Proverbs 6 that God hates are, “lying lips” and “a false witness that speaks lies.” Proverbs 22:12 says, “The lord detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful.”
OK, so I think I know how God feels about lying and I think all of us would agree that we believe that honesty is a virtue that we hold in high regard. I'm just not sure we know what it means to be honest. We all expect people to be honest with us... or do we? I know I want a salesman to tell me the truth. I know my wife wants me to tell the truth… or does she?
We have been married almost 30 years and there are some questions that I don’t have to think very hard about before answering. Questions like, “Did you like the dinner I cooked for you? Does this make me look fat? Do you still find me attractive? Am I as thicker around the middle than she is? Do you think she is prettier than me? Wow! Talk about landmines. It is the inexperienced husband or the man short on brain cells that finds out that being “brutally honest” can be brutal to a relationship and very quickly discovered that honesty is much more complex than first thought.
Although the waters of honesty are at times a little murky and difficult to navigate, there are a few principles that are starting to the surface for me.
Principle #1. There is a difference between choosing your words wisely and being kind in your response and intentionally deceiving someone for the purpose of personal gain or to avoid relational pain that many times accompanies honest disclosure. There have been many husbands who do not tell their wives the truth about indiscretions or unfaithfulness under the guise of “I just don’t want to hurt her.” I wonder how many are trying to avoid relational pain or just trying to save their own heinie.
Principle #2. You don’t always have to say what’s on your mind. Just because you have an opinion does not necessarily mean you must share it. Sometimes keeping your mouth shut is the most loving thing to do. Does anyone have the right to be “brutally honest,” especially when it’s just your opinion about a given subject.
Principle #3. That being said, I believe strong relationships are built on honesty. Our relationships depend on truth. Unless others speak truthfully to us and we speak truthfully to others, we will never experience the joy of being known and accepted for who we really are. Any friendship worth cultivating demands honesty. You are blessed if you have relationships with people who will speak the truth in love - even if it hurts.
Principle #4. Aristotle wrote this one, “Honesty is speaking the right truth to the right person at the right time in the right way for the right reason.”
What an interesting topic! I think the best thing is honesty either in answering someone's question or when the need arises to say something to someone in love. However, every thought that comes in our head does not need to come out our mouth. I believe that people need to be wise about what is said.
Being honest with someone "in love" requires a trusted relationship. If I am in a trusted relationship with a person then my friend can say anything to me because I know that my friend isn't out to hurt me. God can grow us up with words of wisdom from trusted Christ followers.
Choose your words wisely! :)
Posted by: Lisa | August 24, 2006 at 09:35 PM
I agree. When someone drops honesty bombs on someone with whom there is no relational bridge, it leaves that person confused or even worse - devastated. Relationship is the key.
Posted by: Dennis | August 27, 2006 at 06:41 AM