So many of you have been asking why I haven’t been blogging. While some have asked in a way that has felt very encouraging, others have felt more like a swift kick in the hind end. Either way, here it goes.
The truth is - Dennis has been in a funk. I told one person, “When I have something positive to say, I’ll start writing again.” I have been experiencing emotions that have really been very perplexing to me. It has been something that has been difficult for me to put into words. I went out to lunch recently with a good friend of mine, who shall remain nameless (his initials are TJ). He was so gracious to let me ramble on and on about my emotions and listen to me describe the fog I’m in right now. I so appreciate Christian friends who allow me to be human. Pastors need friends who love them but aren’t too impressed with them. It is so healthy for a Pastor to have relationships that you don’t always have to be “on” for them. I know that may seem to be an odd statement. But as a Pastor, you are always on display. Your spirituality, which is deeply personal, is on display and open to critique at all times. On a given Sunday, any person I pass by and fail to smile and greet is potentially disappointed with me, or worse, offended. “I can’t believe he walked right by without so much as saying a word.” Motives are impugned. The rumor mill begins. Truth is, I had to use the bathroom and had 2 minutes before I needed to start the next service. There are so many expectations that the daily grind of being “on” wears you out. I read an article by Roberta Hestenes recently. She articulated so well some of the issues facing people in ministry.
“By occupation, we are expected to speak easily and naturally of spiritual realities. We are called to practice our faith in public. Under the never-ending demands of ministry, our holy calling to worship, love, and serve God can gradually become corroded until our ministry becomes a career like any other profession, except that public religious performance is part of the job requirements.”
“Sometimes the sheer busyness and unrelenting schedule of church life require us to perform public acts of devotion more often than our soul can fully engage. Other times conflict and stress in ministry hollow us out until we feel like empty shells, hiding the reality of our own poverty and need.”
Wow, can I relate to that! Jesus was fully human and fully God. I am not Jesus. I am acutely aware that I am not God. But please - can I at least be human? I am working through some tough things right now and trying to sort out some complicated emotions. Like you, I’m on a journey. My vision right now is a little blurry but I'm sure the fog will clear again. On top of all of this my panic/anxiety stuff has been getting worse rather than better since December. Life is hard – God is good.
Thanks for the encouraging words and the occasional kick in the hind end. I was always taught, “If you don’t have anything nice to say - don’t say anything at all.” Perhaps that was taught by people who are still wondering in their own deserts. I for one would rather put my energies into finding a way out.
Your blog is cool again...thanks.
Posted by: Dave P. | March 10, 2007 at 10:52 AM
Hi Dennis...
I pray blessings upon blessings be showered on you for your hard work, your honesty and your spirit of worship! You ARE human and your position is a tough one! God is blessing others through your work. I pray that you will be freed of anxiety! You're an example to so many and you are in the place that God wants you to be. I'll also continue to pray for those in our ministry to uphold you in positive, encouraging words as well as joining me in praying for you everyday!
Dennis, you are amazing and it is because you are a man of God who follows him, but that doesn't mean you have to be perfect! ;) Keep practicing your walk with the Lord... it makes it permanent not perfect!
:) Blessings... Lisa
Posted by: Lisa Sargent | March 11, 2007 at 01:37 PM
I know what will get you out of a funk.....how about little Dennis Leon Junior Bauer. I have pictures on my blog.
http://ericandmeleab.blogspot.com
Posted by: Melea | March 13, 2007 at 07:20 AM
You'll be fine...just keep your guitar in tune...OK?
Posted by: Jp | March 13, 2007 at 10:36 AM
A calming walk outside, by yourself...
Chocolate...
(well, okay, DARK chocolate, so you can say it was a healthy choice)
Bubble Bath...
Fuzzy socks, or Slippers...
An absorbing, "fluff" book (NOT something really academic with long words)
Put all these things together and you might feel a little more human.
You don't have to be "on" for me.
Hang in there, dude.
Posted by: Val | March 15, 2007 at 06:14 PM
Den, Thanks for sharing what is going on in the "inside". You are doing a great work for the Lord. I am in total support of you...I do understand the pressure to be "on" all the time AND the good news is...you don't have to. You are loved just the way you are. (At least, that's what Fred Rogers said on TV...and I believe him!!!) Oh yes...I think God might have said that, too. Oh, and me too! Love you. Na
Posted by: Naomi | March 17, 2007 at 06:48 PM
I looked it up....Funk....so being in a funk must mean listening to James Brown, Sly and the Family Stone, George Clinton....cool
You are loved, prayed for and gosh darn it people like you!
tj
Posted by: TJ | March 17, 2007 at 09:51 PM
Denny, having been where you are for many years I totally relate to the frustration of feeling the need to be "on" all the time. Several years ago when I was minister of music at a church in Kansas I distinctly remember coming home from church one Sunday afternoon and telling Cathy, "I would love to be a Christian because I want to be and not because I have to." Being raised in a home where we were raised to follow Christ sometimes makes it easy to follow into that trap of knowing that that's what I'm "supposed" to do but it can often become tedious in living up to the "expectations." I want you to know that I love you and respect you and one of the reasons I love Abundant Life is because I am learning how to be real, in spite of my fallenness. I have found and am finding real freedom in Jesus for the first time in my life. So, don't worry about being human, in fact I really feel that your ability to show your humanness as a man that loves God makes it easy for people to believe in and accept Him. It's when we put on the mask and pretend that we are perfect and have it all together that we turn people off and give them the impression that they will never be perfect enough for God to accept them. You have been a true example of servant leadership and I support you and will continue to lift you up.
Blessings,
John
Posted by: John Newberry | March 20, 2007 at 03:31 PM
Dennis, I feel privileged to be your friend. You draw people to you because of who the lord has made you, loving, kind, gracious and humble. Not because you are the worship pastor. That is just a bonus for all of us.
I pray that you will be lifted out of the funk and the lord will guide you through the fog with the calming of his voice. I pray for the Lord to give you continued strength for all you endure. I pray that God will remove the burden of your anxieties. I pray that the father will heal all the wounds of your heart. I pray for you and your family to be well through these rough waters.
I love your Blog, have a blessed day.
Bill
Posted by: Bill Anderson | March 25, 2007 at 01:04 PM
This, too, shall pass . . .
Posted by: Mums the Words | March 27, 2007 at 06:49 AM